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Flash Gordon: Sometimes words fail you |
Director: Mike Hodges
Cast: Sam J Jones (Flash Gordon), Melody Anderson (Dale
Arden), Max von Sydow (Ming the Merciless), Topol (Hans Zarkov), Ornella Muti
(Princess Aura), Timothy Dalton (Prince Barin), Brian Blessed (Prince Vultan), Peter
Wyngarde (General Klytus), Mariangela Melato (General Kala), Richard O’Brien
(Fico), John Osborne (Arborian Priest), Philip Stone (High Priest Zogo), John
Hallam (General Luro)
Well. If almost 40 years on, Flash Gordon is a cult favourite and beloved by millions, then
there is hope yet for Jupiter Ascending. By any objective standards, Flash Gordon is a terrible film. But it
gets a pass from millions because it’s one people have grown up with. I dread
the same reaction to The Phantom Menace
from those people whose first exposure to Star
Wars was through that film.
Ming the Merciless (Max von Sydow) rules the planet Mongo
and decides to destroy the Earth for his own amusement. Disgraced ex-NASA
scientist Hans Zharkov (Topol) is the only man on Earth who believes a series
of natural disasters are the actions of invaders from space. Zharkov flies a rocket
into space to find them – accompanied, for strange reasons, by professional
football star “Flash” Gordon (Sam J Jones) and travel agent Dale Arden (Melody
Anderson). Arriving at Mongo, they encourage its citizens – especially the
forest people led by Prince Barin (Timothy Dalton) and the hawkmen led by
Prince Vultan (Brian Blessed) – to unite and rise up against Ming.
Yup you read that right. It’s all as barmy as you might
expect. Any film that asks to believe Brian Blessed can fly is always going to
be odd. Flash Gordon does at least
have its tongue firmly in its cheek. The whole thing is as camp as Christmas.
In an age where science fiction and comic books are treated like holy texts, it
is at least interesting to see a film that treats its source material with such
a breezy lack of respect. The entire film is an exercise in high camp, cheaply
put together, that refuses to take anything seriously and actively encourages
the respected actors in its cast to take the piss.
So what is Flash
Gordon? Is it a big old joke? Yes it probably is. No one is taking it
seriously. The actors clearly think it’s a pile of campy rubbish. The producers
seem determined to throw as much technicolour cartoon colours at everything as
possible. The film is so cartoonish it all but has “Pow!” and “Thwack!” appear
on screen as punches land. At a time when Star
Wars (and it’s hard to believe it, but George Lucas only made Star Wars because he couldn’t get the
rights for this) took its space opera roots rather seriously, this seemed to
miss the point completely. It’s a would-be Star
Wars rip off that has nothing in common with the tone of the thing its
ripping off. Usually that would be a good thing: here I’m not sure it is.
So the dialogue is terrible, the plot line makes no real
sense, the film barrels around telling jokes against itself as inopportune
moments. Characters shrug off events with no problems at all - at one point a character undergoes brainwashing torture: two scenes later he's fine ("I just didn't think about it" he gleefully tells someone. It's never mentioned again.) The special effects, even for
the time, are shockingly bad (the backdrops are sub-Doctor Who. The costumes and design are ludicrously
overblown, like an explosion in a campy dressing-up box. It’s a terrible
display of excess married with a complete lack of understanding about what made
the things it’s trying to rip off successful in the first place. But yet, and
yet, and yet it’s still in a terrible, terrible, terrible way quite good fun.
But perhaps the most interesting thing about its campy
rubbishness, is how much odd sexual stuff creeps in under the radar. There are
also lashings of sadomasochism, incest, orgasms, sex dens, threesomes,
swinging, voyeurism – acres of cheeky sexual humour. Ming has a ring that can
induce orgasms (it’s so effective on Dale Arden that it’s even commented only
Ming’s daughter has had such a response). Ming has a harem, full of opiates to
encourage “performance”. There are references to pleasure planets and sex toys.
Ming’s daughter is whipped while tied to a bed by Ming’s henchmen (while Ming
watches eating some popcorn). The arborians have a bizarre ritual which seems
laced with wanking references. It never stops. At least they had some fun.
Some of the actors are also clearly enjoying themselves. Of
course Brian Blessed throws himself into it: an actor who never knowingly
underplays, Blessed rips through a bizarre role that sees him perform in a
jockstrap with some unconvincing wings. Timothy Dalton channels Errol Flynn.
Max von Sydow chews the scenery and virtually everything else in sight as a
campy, moustachio-twirling Ming. Peter Wyngarde has a great voice and uses it
to marvellous effect as pervy security chief Klytus, while Mariangela Melato
plays his dominatrix assistant. There are bizarre, eclectic casting choices: so
we get Look Back in Anger author John
Osborne playing a high priest, Blue
Peter’s Peter Duncan as an initiate, and Richard O’Brien (of course!)
playing – well to be honest himself.
Sam J Jones is of course simply awful as Flash (wooden, dull
and confused). Melody Anderson isn’t a lot better as Dale Arden, while Ornella
Muti gets some awful dialogue which she does at least deliver with some
conviction (sometimes too much: “Not the BORE WORMS!” sticks in the mind as a
bizarre moment of over such over conviction that it simply becomes funny). It’s
a bizarre mix of acting styles and overblown, fourth-wall leaning. It’s so bad,
I suppose, that to many people it’s good. But actually it gets a little
overbearing.
Because nothing is taken seriously at all, the film actually
becomes a bit wearing after a while. The writer later regretted playing everything for laughs: it removes any
stakes from this ridiculous film. It says a lot that Brian Blessed – the most
overblown actor in it – is the only one who really emerges with dignity intact.
Blessed at least knows it’s utter crap and plays it like he’s taking the piss
in every scene. He commits so fully to the scenery chewing that it sort of
works. The rest of the cast can only aspire to his levels of camp. Flash Gordon is a terrible film. But age
and fondness have been kind to it, and made it remembered as something better
than it is. It’s a misfiring gag with some great Queen songs. It goes on
forever, it looks awful but it fails utterly as anything but a joke. But hell
maybe that’s enough.
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