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Channing Tatum and Dwayne Johnson wonder how they landed in this mess in GI Joe: Retaliation |
Director: Jon M. Chu
Cast: Dwayne Johnson (Roadblock), Bruce Willis (General Joe
Colton), Channing Tatum (Duke), Jonathan Pryce (President of the US), Adrianne
Palicki (Lady Jaye), DJ Controne (Flint), Ray Park (Snake Eyes), Byung-hun Lee
(Storm Shadow), Ray Stevenson (Firefly), Arnold Vosloo (Zartan), Walton Goggins
(Warden James), RZA (Blind master)
Back in 2009, Hasbro (flushed with success from its Transformers franchise) released GI Joe: a humble, straightforward
nonsense actioner (almost exactly the sort of film spoofed by Team America) in which gung-ho American
action heroes save the world, destroying major cities on the way. It was
harmless, Stephen Sommers-directed fun. Critics hated it. Audiences saw it, but
were basically meh. It left us on a
cliff-hanger. The cliff-hanger led to this joyless, “by-contractual-obligation”
reboot.
The villainous Zartan (Arnold Vosloo) has changed his entire
DNA to make him an exact physical match for the President of the United States
(Jonathan Pryce) and taken his place. Using his powers, he orders a surprise
attack on the GI Joe force, wiping out their base. All the Joes, including Duke
(Channing Tatum) are killed, except for Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson), Lady Jaye
(Adrianne Palicki) and Flint (DJ Controne). Now they need to form a team to
take revenge, defeat Zartan and prevent the plans of the newly escaped Cobra
Commander.
Oh dear God this is an awful film: a truly dire comic book
disaster, terribly written and practically incoherent in its plot and storyline,
peopled from top to bottom with bored looking actors. It’s barely a sequel at
all to the original film. In fact, it disregards most of the plot of GI Joe: Rise of Cobra altogether, barely
acknowledging its existence. None of the plot threads of the first film are
carried across at all, with the exception of the replacement of the President.
On top of that, all the characters the first film spent time establishing as
our heroes are unceremoniously dispatched (mostly off-screen) to be replaced
with a trio of new heroes, none of whom make any real impact. Is it just me who
feels cheated that all the characters the first film tried to build up just get
wiped out like so many wasps when a pest controller comes calling?
Was it really necessary to totally dump the previous film?
It wasn’t that bad. And if they were going to do that, could they not have come
up with a fresher reboot than this? Who on earth thought the way to make the
series fresher was to introduce Bruce Willis (at his most breezily,
contemptuously disengaged) as a new hero? The film barely has time to introduce
its new heroes: Lady Jaye has Daddy issues and is looking for approval (her
Daddy, by the way, sounds like a sexist asshole with his “women shouldn’t serve
in the military” attitudes and I was waiting for another character to point
this out – they don’t of course), while Flint barely has a character beyond
being a cheeky-chappie. When even Dwayne Johnson can barely be bothered to
bring his C-game to a role, you know you’re in trouble: this film turns the
most engaging action star of our age into a dull rent-a-muscle.
Then the plot. Yawn. Oh dear God yawn. Is there a plot? Not
really. Events happen. They keep happening. Occasionally characters (like the “Blind
Master”) pop up to essentially blurt out a load of plot, in between rushed
character introductions. Turgid fight scenes are given extended screentime –
but since they usually involve people we don’t really know fighting people
we’ve barely been introduced to, it’s pretty hard to get engaged in them. Nothing
really links together or carries any meaning. In fact, the film is about so
little – and what plot there is, so clumsily and irritatingly spoonfed to the
audience while our heroes take a frustratingly long time to catch-up – that
you’ll be surprised the run time is as long as it is. I’ve already forgotten
most of it and I watched it two days ago.
I say watched it, because I’m not sure “letting it pass
before my eyes” on a Saturday morning over breakfast really counts. Certainly
the final battle scenes – involving the storming of a bunker, something blowing
up in space, world leaders in peril, and embarrassingly trite “personal
rivalry” stories coming to a head – are so unimaginatively filmed, so dully
predictable in their execution, that I fast forwarded through them. I just
wanted the fucking thing to end. In fact I bemoaned the failure of Cobra to knock
off all the Joes to start with. Not that the villains are much better
themselves.
Pity poor Channing Tatum. Actually on reflection don’t: he’s
well out of it. Tatum and Johnson’s double bill is the most likeable thing in
the movie, the only thing that feels remotely real. Tatum was called back for
reshoots (as he became more famous in between finishing filming and the planned
release date, after the success of Magic
Mike) and it’s a neat reminder of what an engaging, off-the-cuff performer
he can be: when he kicks the bucket, the film’s most likeable, interesting
character goes with it. The other actors just seem interested in picking up a
cheque.
GI Joe: Retaliation
isn’t a reboot. It’s an execution. It’s not even an execution you can get
worked up about. In fact, I would have happily knocked off some of its
characters myself. Did we create the language of cinema to come up with
something as stodgy and insipid as this? Where is the magic and inspiration,
where is the fun? What looking glass did we fall through, that anyone thought
this pile of crapparoo was the way to restart a franchise?
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